Saturday, December 6, 2008

Plodding Along

It's been a while since I posted an entry. In part I've been busy. In part I did not have anything that I deemed remotely interesting to write about. I've been reading journals and, as usual, not commenting. When I do that it's usually because I didn't feel I had anything to add to what had already been said. That is also a part of why I have not written. I didn't feel I had much, if anything of much value to add to anything going on in this community or any other.

Did anybody really want to read about the state of poker and casinos in general? Probably not anybody I haven't emailed and gripped about it to. Does anybody really care how many boxes I've packed in preparing to 'officially' move to MS in a month? Only Connie and she knows, she has to walk around them. I didn't have the energy or motivation to try to write a worthy Thanksgiving entry. It was actually a good Thanksgiving as holidays go but nothing astounding to share it seems to me, not compared to what I read anyway.

On the other hand I do like to write and it's time to do so. I look back on these journals from time to time to see what was happening so in part, in large part really, I'm writing for myself. Maybe we all are, or maybe it's just me.

I've got this feeling like I'm living in an almost schizophrenic world. If I don't watch too much news and look only around my immediate little world then my journey through life seems to be going very well. I'm pretty happy. Connie is pretty happy. Lee is doing pretty well. All well and good.

Unfortunately there is this kind of feeling as I walk along the path of life's journey that I'm walking on what has become an increasingly narrow ledge. There are no saftey rails, most of them have rusted and fallen away thanks to things totally beyond my control. It's a long way down and I am not comfortable with heights. Couple that with the fact that on the other side of the narrow path is a huge cliff with boulders poised to fall at any minute and either sweep away any remaining feeling of safety or possibly sweep me into the abyss. Sounds like a dark and forbidding picture huh? Actually it's very much a mixed picture in my mind. I can also see bright blue skys and lush green pastures that await if I can dodge the obstacles in front of me. In a sense that is always the way it is on any journey but in this case I feel like there is little I can do to control the outcome of the journey right now. It's that lack of control (and I am NOT a control freak by any stretch of the imagination I don't I?) that has me feeling sort of antsy. We've planned, we've worked, we've done all the right things and yet it could be all for naught...or it could be wonderful...and there is not a thing we can do now but wait and see what happens. That is a tough situation. I know I share it with many, if not most, people right now although most would think my way of looking it it a bit weird.

But having written that do you now see why I have not written? Talking about it does NOT help. What helps is staying very busy doing things that I can see producing tangible if not vitally important results, building things, creating, cleaning, improving things in my immediate life while trying not to take too much time looking at a big picture that is increasingly bleak and which is increasingly nothing that any amount of planning or work on my part can do anything about.

I'll be back in less time this time...maybe writing about some of the small things that are making me feel good will not only help me but help somebody else. They don't matter in the overall scheme of things but they make me happy and more and more it seems to be important to take any happiness where you can find it and be grateful while trying to avoid thing things that you cannot change that make you unhappy. I know it's a philosophy sure to be condemned by many in this community and the world in general. Sometimes its a good thing to have a small audience, fewer people to tell me I'm nuts (dont' waste your breath...I'm know I'm nuts....I like it that way).
And that's the way it is....
Look around you...find one thing that can make you smile and then....SMILE...and have a great day ya'll!

2 comments: said...

You are not nuts by any stretch of the mind. You just might be saying what some people are afaird to think or say. The unknown is always scarey and there is more of that in the world than usual. But there are still goods things to be grateful for and one is the price of gas that is now less than half of what it was at the highest. Another thing is we are alive. Another thing is that the US. had a bad time during the depression but it got better. We need to be thankful for what we have and keep on working, hoping and praying. Please keep journaling and saying it like it is. Hugs

Robin said...

Just got caught up over here! Congrats on making the big move...did you sell the house in Florida? Not the one your son is in but the one you spent all that time fixing up?