Thursday, July 15, 2010


I'm feeling totally overwhelmed by life this morning. I feel listless and with no drive whatsoever to do anything. I'm on the verge of tears constantly. I feel like nobody understands or really much cares. If I dared to try to talk to anybody, provided I could even find somebody who would listen, really listen and hear what I was saying, they would just have some simple solution they would fully believe would be the magic bandaid. There is no simple solution save one and I'm not ready for that yet. God life sucks right now and I just don't know how much more I can take.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Pen Pals?

I thought maybe I'd try to find some new pen pals. There is a lot to be said for the rush when you find somebody you click with and I do enjoy writing. A lot of searching on the web has shown me a few things.

First that the sites I used to use years ago, on AOL and Yahoo are no more. Or if they are there I sure can't find them.

The next thing I found is that there didn't seem to be a single good truly free site out there. Most of them were free only if you were willing to accept almost uselessly limits on the services offered. I am more than a bit hesitant to pay for a site since there is no guarantee it's even a good site, that it could produce results.

Another thing I learned is that the process of trying to find a place to find pen pals was stressful and reminded me how stressfull the finding could be. So...maybe I don't want to do this.

For a while I'd dropped totally out of the online scene. I was not checking my email more than a couple of times a month and not looking at Facebook at all. I changed that. My email inbox is empty now and has been staying empty. Yes, I get emails from a few (very few) people. The only people (two) who I want to talk to have, understandably, seemed to move on and have time to write very infrequently, briefly and relatively shallowly. In other words I blew my window of opportunity and have effectively lost all the friends I cared about.

My son wrote on Facebook the other day something about why is it that once you decide to do something it's too late to take advantage of the opportunity. That's how I feel and I know I have no one to blame but myself. Heck, for the most part, nobody even reads blogs any longer that I can tell. At least I can write here and not worry if it's something I should not have written.

I am on the brink of dropping back out of the online scene. It's changed too much from when I started in '97. I just can't compete any more. That avenue of finding new friends for myself appears to be gone and with it the only real chance I ever had since I'll never manage to do it in real life.

At 52 i'm not gonna change who I am or how I feel about some things. I'll never become less shy than I am and so I just have to accept that I'll spend the rest of my life relatively friendless. Why then, should I bother to eat right, go to the doctor and take pills to help lower blood pressure and cholesterol? That would all serve to increase the time I have to spend on an Earth that really doesn't give a flying fuck if I'm here or not. Ok so life is not so bad that I'm gonna kill myself (I wouldn't have the courage anyway) but on the other hand I feel no desire whatsoever to increase my time here on Earth, no reason to. I'm contributing nothing that I can see. Even my wife is learning to live just fine without me down in Orlando.

God, if you're listening I'm ready for whatever you've got in mind next, nothing left for me there that I see.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Good Weekend going

I thought I'd write and not whine for once. Doesn't really matter since as near as I can tell Facebook has pretty much killed off blog readership and my not writing for ages there didn't help of course. I know there are exceptions as evidenced by the one comment I got a while back and I thank you for that :)

Anyway Connie is up for the weekend and we're having a good time. We haven't done anything astounding but none the less it's been nice. Just having somebody to touch and hug is nice. She was even in the mood for a bit more than just that yesterday, yahoo! That is not the only reason i'm in a better mood but it sure helps. I guess 52 is not too old to still want sex. Kinda too bad since my options are real limited now.

We went to the casino and both played poker last night. She did better than I did. I am still on my streak of really nasty suckouts. Several people at the table even commented they'd never seen anyone get sucked out on that badly that much. It happens, it's not fun but all you can do is play through it.

My biggest hand of the night was when, out of frustration, I said I was staying until I went broke or got even and then when I looked at my cards announced a raise. Everybody (and I don't blame them) thought I was on tilt so just about everybody called the raise where normally the way I play everbody folds. I hit two pair on the flop (AK), there were no serious straight or flush draws out and I filled up with another king on the river. I got plenty of action since one guy had pocket queens and so many low limit players just cannot lay down a big pair even when they've been checkraised (ok I did that out of frustration and a sense of revenge since I usually continuation bet after a raise and most times if I check it checks behind me.) Anyway, it was fun. I was frustrated yes but I was nowhere near being on tilt. Hard to get too upset in a 4/8 game really even a really horrible night barely dings my bankroll for more than a couple percent loss. I really wish I could find higher limits but that ain't gonna happen anytime soon around Tunica.

Anyway, enough rambling. The weekend is going well and I'm going back to my weekend. Hope ya'll are having a great one too!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Brief Respite

Well maybe for the next few days life will not suck quite so much. I doubt my luck will be any better but Connie will be here. At least until she leaves on Sunday I'll have somebody to hold me a bit and give me a hug or two. All the problems will still be there but they're a bit more bearable with a hug.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Life. Sucks.

It totally does. Period. 'nuff said.


The year is flying by. That would be a good thing right now except that Connie's job situation is really no more settled than it was. She's sounding much more positive about it but I suspect that is because she is down in Orlando and I'm up here in Mississippi and we don't feed on each others fears, worries and depressions.

I'm it possible to be happy and depressed at the same time? Most of the time lately I'm not really unhappy. I'm playing a lot of poker and almost all of it now at Sam's Town in Tunica. Connie told me after listening to me talk about it that it sounds almost like Cheers. You know, the bar from the TV show of the same name. Everybody doesn't know my name but enough do to give me a bit of a sense of belonging.

Anyway, back to being happy and depressed. Most times I'm happy when I'm playing poker and around a few people who, while not really friends, are maybe more than just acquaintances. Also I just plain like to play poker. It's one of the few things in my life I've felt I'm good at, at least in the limited way I play. I realize I'm a small minnow in a big pond but it's a pond made of smaller ponds and in my own pond I'm too big to eat so that's good. LOL sorry for the fish analogy but it's central to poker. Bad players, or players easily beat are called fish and the saying is that if you look around and can't spot the fish then YOU are the fish. Thankfully in the games I play I never really have to worry about sharks while I do get to, in as nice and pleasant a way as possible, get to devour my share of fish. They say seafood is good for you right? :)

When I"m not playing poker though I'm seldom motivated to DO anything. Doing any housework or yard work or even bothering to check email just seems like way too much work. Getting out of BED sometimes seems pointless. That is the part that sounds to me like depression. Yet come time to head to the casino to play poker, I'm generally up and moving and happy about it.

Part of it is also that it's pretty lonely here. I've never been one to make friends very easily. My best luck has always been online and I've not made a new online friend for several years and have let the ones I did have slip away by and large through inattention on my part mostly. Of course the few that were persistant and kept writing to me anyway are still around and I'm starting to write back more. Maybe it's NOT all my fault. Whatever the reason it's pretty lonely up here with Connie gone.

We do talk on the phone a lot though and really talking was most of what we did anyway. Other than just BEING here together. Cuddling of course sometimes...beyond that....doesn't really matter if she is here or there but who wants to hear about that? I suspect no one...probably not even me. It's depressing to think that phase of my life seems to be over at 52.

So all that is going on in my life, for the most part, is poker lately and this is not a poker blog. I have one of those even though I've not written in it in years and don't plan to start now. Im not about to tell ANYONE other than a VERY close friend possibly, now to survive playing poker the way I do. The pool of players is too small, one or two more of me around here and I'd never make any money and actually would begin to lose to the rake the casino takes. With the state of poker as it is thanks to the economy (I hope that's the reason) just beating the rake is an accomplishment in the limit games you can find these days.

Since this is NOT a poker blog and I really don't have anything but maybe lack of sex to write about anyway other than that I doubt I'll be writing here much. I'm sure from time to time I'll chime in. Lord knows I CAN write about anything...if I feel like it which I haven't. There's a whole world out there with endless things to write about and probably I'd feel better if I just rambled here every day. I know that....but I probably won't do it.

Take care ya'll....